10 things I'm working on forgiving myself for (part 1)

plus a reminder for tonight's Mindset Coaching Call with Katie Pulsifer

NB: I wrote this and don’t have time to edit. In the spirit of the whole post, I’m crossing my fingers and sending it anyway. Please be gentle.

CW: Talk about weight, body image, shame.

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I have lived my whole life in shame.

Shame forms the walls I have used to keep myself safe. Brick by brick, I’ve been building it carefully since childhood: each piece of rejection or criticism cemented into place by my internal conviction that they were right.

My childhood home was chaotic, and shame my disordered mother’s weapon of choice. Through her guidance, I learned the long list of things that were totally wrong with me, and my siblings, and then with everyone else. It was deceptively actionable, as a to-do list. If I could just change everything inherently me about me, I could be closer to perfect, and then finally safe.

I probably don’t need to tell you how that plan turned out. The list just kept on growing, and it turns out your entire human self is a little tricky to erase.

By 30 I’d figured out I’d been conned, but ten years on, demolishing those walls still feels frustratingly slow.

I’ve gotten good at noticing shame when I feel it, and trying to hold compassion for myself. Coaching has helped me immensely, giving me the tools and space to be more curious and empathetic about my thoughts.
But still, those old bricks are hard to loosen.

I know one of the best ways to tackle shame is to put it out in the daylight. As Brene Brown said,

“Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive being spoken”.

And my experiences online have shown me there are gifts in the vulnerability of owning up to our shame. Rarely are we the only one believing a particular story about ourselves in the dark quietude of our head. There’s so much grace and relief and community when we hang up our dirtiest laundry in the sun. Letting all of our shames hang out together, and watching them fizzle away.

So, in the spirit of that (and with the sweet safety of a paywall to keep this post intimate, and hopefully read as intended), here are the top 10 big bad shames that are currently living rent-free in my head.

10 things I am trying to forgive myself for

1. Being sick

Oh, the enduring guilt of living in a broken body. It seeps into everything. In a world that prizes productivity and industriousness as the hallmark of a good human being, it’s easy to believe that I must be worthless. Or better yet - to ignore all the screaming sirens in my body and push on to keep doing; work harder, be more helpful, hide it better, be more liked.
There’s the shame of asking for help, of your loved ones being put out or inconvenienced, of having to explain your limitations again and again. The shame of stigma and diagnoses and of doctors who don’t believe you; enough to leave you wondering if it’s all in your head.

I could drown in this shame for a lifetime, but these days, my anger helps keep me afloat. Because I didn’t choose this body. I didn’t choose to get sick. And however much our hyper-capitalist industrial culture likes to pretend otherwise, we have biological bodies that will occasionally have needs. All of us. And we can only outrun them for so long.
Now when I feel the waves of crushing, shameful misery when my health makes me different, I remember this 2000-year old Stoic quote:

“Keep in mind that you are an actor in a play that is just the way the producer wants it to be. It is short, if that is his wish, or long, if he wants it long. If we wants you to act the part of a beggar, see that you play it skilfully, and similarly, if the part is to be a cripple, or an official, or a private person. Your job is to put on a splendid performance of the role you have been given.”

My job is not to deny reality, squash down all my needs and play a poor imitation of the leading starlet. I’m here to make this life worthwhile, with exactly the time, talents, resources and limitations that I already have.

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2. Gaining Weight